Fern

Just a little of everything

2012-01-08T01:56:00.001+08:00

So it is 2012 already, 2011 has been pretty much a nightmare if I have to sum up. Bad moments were definitely more than the good ones even the beginning of the months already prove it so much on how terrible it was.

This year I would say won't be much of a difference since the start of the new year was the stupidest and WORST one ever for the past histories of new years. I will not be shy or reluctant to admit this fact because everybody is open about it so why not? Seeing everybody spending their last 2011 moments and the beginning of 2012 with their love ones whereas I? let's not go there. As disappointed as it is. It was not too bad. Not having to look at people's face just pure home and being comfortable in my own comfort zone.

Because it is 2012 so friends to me its not my biggest concern anymore. They step away from my life, they walked away to their GODs, Boyfriends, New friends, College life. Whatsoever, whatever I couldn't be bothered anymore. I'm going to be different this year, not going to go through the forgive me step because I don't see what I have to ask for forgiveness, you may call me cocky or anything but I'm fine. People left me when I hung on, so it's time to move on. If you want to be in my life its your turn to come and talk to me or something. I've been ALWAYS making the first move but heck nobody cared if I did or not. People will just look past it so i'm fine with it now. Enough of pain and tears for the whole year. For the first time I cry so often in 2011 that I'm just so sick and tired of everything. If nobody wants to care and think of my feelings then don't bother trying to come near me. I'll just be who I will be and don't blame me for it.

Moving on will be my because resolution this year and being who I want. I'm just gonna do as I want, say as I want. Like it or not that's your problem. I want to be able to say fuck whenever I like, so do not be the judge of how I should behave and act.

the day wouldn't get any better.

2012-01-02T00:23:00.002+08:00

Seeing those happy couple pictures, those taken during new year's eve and on new year itself make me feel like i'm so worthless, so pathetic and its like i'm such a loser. Everybody gets to be happy when I don't. What did I ever do to deserve this? Have i killed somebody to deserve this karma? I just know i'm a loser. I suck in relationships I suck in being friends, i suck in being caring and all. So fuck it la.

2011-12-30T22:16:00.001+08:00

sick and tired to be treated like a fucking retard,that don't need reason i need reasons. dafuqq.sick and tired of trying to change and be polite or whatsoever. I like using fuck, cibai and sohai. That's me, hate it then don't talk to me don't even come see my face. I am like so, this is me. Take it or leave it.stupid new year's eve is just tomorrow and i don't have plans and don't wish to have plans. I would rather spend it ALONE at home. Don't wish to see anybody or go anywhere. Life would be better like that then dreaming for whatever fuck shit fairytale to come true. =.= its ridiculous and it's just for kids to believe in it. So grow up.

Just a piece of my thought

2011-12-24T00:41:00.001+08:00

Just saw a girl lost somebody she truly love, somebody closest to her, somebody who was her knight in shining armour, somebody she truly cherish. Knowing that happened to her then i ask myself, How will I be if that was me? Losing somebody myself. All she can do is cry her eyes out till she has no tears left and distant herself from the world but what happens after this storm? she definitely won't be able to let it go or forget this because this will be scarred in her heart forever. So how will she stand up again when her pillar left her? How will she go through all this? probably she'll have all those thousand friends helping her with this but then what happens if it happens to me? *touch wood* not wanting it to be, but just saying. Who will I have to help pull me through? how will i stand again? how will life be? Just curious. All and all I definitely wouldn't and will NEVER want this to happen to me. Please be safe on the road, I beg whoever is reading this to think of the people you love most.By condolences to that girl who just lost her boyfriend and to his family who lost a brother and a son.

2011-12-15T02:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes when you start questioning you ask yourself who is really there for you and who is not.The people who you may think will always be there for you at times will say just for the sake of saying it and not like they really mean it.What happens when you see somebody close to you,somehow talk more to some other people more than you?what happens when all the trust you ever have for mankind disappears and you can never get it back?In life there are so many things, both thinkable and unthinkable. Things you wouldn't want come true will definitely come true and things you hope comes true will definitely not reach you.Disappointments after disappointments, then at the end of the day how much can you take?would you hear a painful truth or hear a pleasant lie? i know i'll choose the former. I would rather be told the truth then to be lied at. lies will always be just temporary UNLESS you are sure that you will never find out no matter what BUT at theend of the day it would be better if you know e truth so that you can face the fact and get over it fast. What about promises? Promises that was made but was never fulfilled and is always forgotten? As time passes do you just ignore it or do you get really mad at it? how will you confront your emotions? I wish I knew Psychology abit better so I can think rationally at times when it comes to things. But sometimes I think I am quite rational when thinking just that some people might not see it that way because they do not know you that well.So many things, so many questions, so many answers yet they are so confusing and mixed up. its like a half filled cup. will you see it as half filled or half empty?

2011-12-04T01:02:00.001+08:00

I am destined to face these pains all my life no matter what.Last time and now. It'll just be the same. Hurt after hurt after hurt. awesome. no changes at all.

2011-11-26T01:20:00.001+08:00

I am contemplating to fully open this or leave it dead and start a new.The reason why I started this was for me to express myself. I used to be so naive hoping to want more links and friends to view this and now when I know people drop by here and read what is going through with my life and all I don't feel good. I feel like I'm being stalked or something. That's because I hate people judging me when they don't know anything about me. Even when people are the closest to you tend to make judgements on you.I wonder if this was really worth it or not?

all of it is just pure bullshit

2011-11-07T01:49:00.003+08:00

this girl can be anyone but herself.
she must and have to please the world.
She has to follow orders from everyone.
can't fucking express her fucking self
when she do it she gets fucked up
what a fucking pathetic life you have huh.
no friends no nothing and all alone in her fucking miserable life.
her life is a fcking living hell

2011-11-06T22:27:00.000+08:00

to people nowadays,
promises are meant to be broken

"Given Up"

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

[bridge]
Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery
[end bridge]

[chorus]
I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

Dream

2011-11-05T01:46:00.003+08:00

How do you define dream?

If you go google for the meaning it will just tell you that dream is a series of thoughts, images, emotions and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.
Probably this is why most of the time dreams can be the place where you want to stay the rest of your life at so you don't have a harsh world to face or maybe a place that you wish you never step into.

Sometimes I would wish to just sleep and never get up because my dream is way way better than reality but at times it's the opposite.

But to me dreams are also the hopes and wishes that you have just to be able to achieve that particular dream. I'm not special therefore my dreams will never come true as it always has been. I'm not saying that my life sucks because of it but maybe just maybe because of the never ending failure in achieving I actually learn something from it every time.

Denial. maybe just maybe the reason of everything because of denial.

Never try, never know.
But it is okay. Its pointless.

-----
Nothing but just a spec of dust. Nobody will ever remember all the things you ever help them in. The time wasted just to help them and put them first before you. The time wasted to just see that person smile again. Being somebody's pillar, strength and hope is just a waste of time when all you'll ever have in return is what this. All the time wasted and all the effort you put through and all the heart and tear you put in it to sustain and build a bond. Broken just like that. Just one word says it all. It's obvious enough to know eventhough not mentioned. Nothing but just a waste of time.

darkness

2011-10-22T01:58:00.002+08:00

The Day You Went Away

Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me
Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time

Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really really do

Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

I remember date and time
September twenty second
Sunday twenty five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces

And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
I know, I guess I really really know

The day you went away
The day you went away

Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really really do

Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away

The day you went away
The day you went away

I got block out
shut away
and taken off
every important aspect has a wall now

I'm not me anymore.

2011-10-17T00:26:00.003+08:00

I think one day I might do something stupid like believing in myself.

I've been thinking about this every now and then but it gets worst as days passes.
The feeling of dying gets to me. It makes me go against all my principles but I seriously feel that if I were to just die now everything will be solved. People don't have to feel the heavy load of burden on their shoulder because of me. Parents don't have to, friends don't have to and the most you don't have to.

One day if were to be involve in an accident, I'll wish to remain anonymous. Just vanish from earth. Somehow like not afraid of dying anymore and not being able to do everything because I really can't already. Nothing to look forward too and nobody to even need me to begin with. I'm just a disappointment to everyone anyways.

Suicide will come when things get worst. Just wait

2011-10-16T00:41:00.004+08:00

Everything said was just pure lies and empty promises.

Nobody will ever remember your existence but only remember your flaws because to all, you will forever be worthless and useless and always will be looked down at.

Nobody will really be there for you, because humans are selfish being, they only think of themselves first. so why must I be so selfless every time? I should just follow and be selfish myself too.

Acceptance of life and where you stand in people's life. Remember you'll always be on your own because nobody really seem to care of your existence.

------
excuses will always be excuses no matter what. Even when it does not seem like an excuse to you it always is. Supposedly there is no need for anybody to make any excuse because if you tried doing something, excuses will not exist.

2011-10-08T23:46:00.002+08:00

in life, nobody really cares how you feel.

what is happiness?

to me happiness only last that long.
because people always say one thing and do another.

and again, LIFE

worthless

2011-10-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

And again you realise nobody would ever fight for you,
to people you're just another nobody.

It will never be the same

2011-10-07T02:20:00.003+08:00

If I was rich..

-I will be able to go to a better college/University
- I will be able to have a better life
- I will be able to go on trips and holidays wherever I want.
- I will be able to afford going overseas like those stupid rich kids
- I will be able to buy whatever I want and need
- I won't have all this stupid limitations
- I won't be stuck here while the rest of the world can brag about their enchanted life. pfft

This is just IF and DREAMS that can never be achieved. Not a single rich kid will understand how its like cause they can have whatever they want. Stupid rich people. Rich nevermind but don't do good. What's the point?

This is LIFE accept it as it is. No matter how stupid it is

thank you

2011-10-03T00:00:00.002+08:00

Thanks for snapping me out of what I never knew.

Now only I realise I was such a big disappointment to everybody I know.
I was nothing but a huge disappointment and a mess to everyone.

Now I finally have the answer to why everyone walked away. :)

----
I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for my...'

I think it's every time I walk into a room
a silence so sudden that I seem to hear it
(Smiles turn to frowns)
Contact saying that you are the rain on their parade.

And how long could you hang on to a word?
Tell me, how long could you hang on to a word?

I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'

Or maybe it's all eyes on him
in love with ego and intention
the eyes that are just begging me for more.
This is gone and I can see it
your head is full of words,
full of words that don't mean anything.

And how long could you hang on to a word?
Tell me, how long could you hang on to a word?

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'
(If that's how you feel, then what's there to do?
I'll keep this feeling in my heart
but when you look in my eyes, you will know the truth.)

Reality check

2011-10-01T23:39:00.003+08:00

Life needs to slap you once or twice so that you know how harsh it is.

Never ever believe anybody when they say they never judge you. Why? because they are human too and human ALWAYS judge.

To have a past when no one understands you,
to have had to relive it everyday or your life
nobody will ever know how that feels.
Don't ever say you know me well when you don't me at all.

Then again, I think being lost and stuck in this maze or darkness might be a good thing.
The only place where there's no light, no human, no living thing to watch you.
To have only yourself and just yourself.

2011-10-01T01:19:00.002+08:00

Stupidity kills,
but that's what makes me, me.

Turn and turn I end up back to square one.
that maze will always be there.
Darkness will always win the light in this maze

So what if I wish you were here?

2011-09-30T02:49:00.002+08:00

Back in my old maze again.
Darkness is closing in and there's no way out
The light left me when I was desperate for it.
Now that I'm on my own I can't stand back up again.

Shattered glasses has turned to sand,
No matter what I doubt it can be pieced back together
Waiting for that glue gun but what use can it be?
Sands are all blown away and can never be found.

Microwave can only use to make hot food up to a certain heat
How much pressure and heat will it take for it to blow?
how long can it sustain from blowing?

you always say you will be there no matter what
look where we are now?
soon we will be like strangers.

2011-09-26T03:38:00.001+08:00

lost, confused, in pain.

i really have no idea what i want.

love? money? brains?

i ask myself the same thing again and again but yet nothing's changed

Always will be the same

2011-09-18T02:03:00.003+08:00

No matter how much you wish things were done differently, the only thing you could do is wish.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder yet also makes the soul grow further apart.

No matter how much you dream, dreams will only stay as dream.
You will always face the same sky but you are worlds apart.

If you never try hard enough, never say you already did your best.
Hopes are meant to be disappoint people therefore always prepare for the worst.

If one never try hard to be with someone they love, maybe it's really time to let go.
Love is a chance you have to grab, once you lost the chance then regret for the rest of your life.

You gave me hope, then tear it down again.

2011-09-16T02:05:00.003+08:00

Once someone told me this, "No matter what happen or how far we are apart from one another we will always still be together."

Those memories are still haunting me now and then, I always wonder do you remember what you've said before? After all we've been through you just decided to leave after achieving fame, power and every other thing that you're having now? Your reason and excuse was just unacceptable but I accepted. I had no choice because you gave me no option. I tried working things out a few times but I was always sent to a dead end. Till now, you finally found your stupid 'light' and you forget whatever happen like it was nothing. It was worst than having to put through all those pain being alone or breaking up or whatsoever. But, I guess you'll never understand because you have everybody in the world. I told myself to move on and forget all about the past. On how you gave me hope towards everything and how you help me pull through. Sadly,I just can't make it. But no worries I won't be saying or disturbing you as I will only be ranting everything here. If you ever read this then what the heck, even if you felt something it'll just pass by after awhile to you because it does not make a big impact or so.

Well somebody also told me that 'no matter what our heart will always remain and we can never be separated'. WELL, guess what?! look at where you are now? After achieving whatever you've always wanted you forget all you've ever said. You have more important people now, have your own group and the only thing you ever wanted with a little help of me you've forgotten all I've ever done to help you pull through. Remember this line? " she also didn't call me, of course you cannot see me la" Another one that I shouldn't put my hopes on.

If I knew this was gonna happen I will definitely not let anybody in my comfort zone. Not let anybody try and earn my trust just to watch me fall again. I am pissed, disappointed and regretful that you can make it seem like nothing happened when it meant the world to me.
I always ask myself why am I not moving on? why am I still keeping myself in the past. No matter what I still can't find the answer. Plus at the time when I need the closest people the most no one is to be found. Disappointed don't you think? If only I knew who was worth the time and who wasn't. If only I knew trusting you all would be so difficult I would've go on wearing my huge thick mask like I've always do.

Now I'm alone, with only people I call friends and also people who use me for their own purposes only. Disappointed as I am but I have to face it. There's nothing much I can do about it but to face reality.

On the bright side, my emotions are going up and down. There are times I would pull myself all the way down but I'm trying my best to stand up again. I'm halfway there soon I'll be on my own feet again. This is how being independent works. This is how I teach myself to be strong. My very own determination helps me from going insane. Not to be full of myself and all but I'm proud of myself because I manage to hang on this long with the help of nobody or maybe just for that one person. Though through thick and thin you are still there but most of the time the pain comes from you too. Therefore I'm learning to be positive again, I am not gonna bring up anything already because today I learn to never hope for the impossible therefore I shall always remember this.

Sorry if I offended anybody. This is the place where I let my own thoughts do the talking so if you don't really like it please leave and NEVER ever come back again :) thank you.

Wish you were here

2011-09-14T01:31:00.001+08:00

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, It's not like that at all

Theres a girl who gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

[refrain]
And I remember all those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Near, Near, Near
I wish you were here.

I love the way you are
It's who I am don't have to try hard
We always say, Say like it is
And the truth is that I really miss

All those crazy thing you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Near, Near, Near
I wish you were here.

[bridge]
No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go
Let go, Oh, Oh,

No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go
Let go, Let go, Let go...

[chorus]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, Here, Here
I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Near, Near, Near
I wish you were here.

How far will you go?

2011-09-11T00:07:00.004+08:00

how far will you go for me?

if i were to leave you now,

will you fly half the globe to get me back?

So what is love?
How can you achieve maximum happiness just by being in love?

What is sacrificing my all for you mean?Honestly what do you sacrifice? In love you don't lose and arm, leg, eye or any body parts or even life so what have you sacrificed? Time, emotions? is that called sacrificing?

What about caring? Just by calling, skyping, talking, chatting, smsing, meeting up and texting. How does it prove the care of one person to the other?

Buying gifts and other materials, does it even call love? yes you might probably achieve maximum happiness at THAT point of time but really? will you be happy long run?

How can you ever show someone what love is? how can you prove to that one person that you really mean it? How do you know what you're feeling is call love and not other feelings? Lust is always mistaken as love to. Responsibility can be also mistaken as love.so what?

Isn't being in a relationship means dedication 24/7? You have to put your all in this no matter when, where or how? No matter what day, what time, every second every hour you have to be prepared to be there because isn't a relationship is about 2 individuals making the effort to spend the MOST time they can together?

Well I have a lot of questions.

What will anybody think about it? I give up trying to figure out really how it works because no matter what to me I will only think only one party is making the effort to try and understand and work it. While the other party just say say say and more say.

Got from a site

op 10 Signs that It is Love
	Falling in love with someone is an intense experience that cannot be matched with anything of its kind. This so wonderful mix of feelings and their great chemistry might leave you wondering what is actually
going on with you. Are you sick or are you going crazy? But is it Love or is it plain infatuation? If you fall in love for the first time you experience countless unique and individual emotions. Few classic symptoms that it is Love are listed below:
1) You are in love if you think about them day and night, every minute of your existence. ( i do, do you?)
2) Whether you watch TV, meet with friends or hear voices of people passing by, you are in love if everything you do reminds you of him or her.( yes)
3) You are in love if you can be anywhere in the world but you’d chose to be with them.(This? haha, yea right.)
4) You are in love if everytime your phone rings you hope it’s going to be them.
5) You are in love if their safety and happiness is your top priority even more than your own. ( owh really? I do, but I don't get to feel it)
6) You’re in love if hanging out with your friends just isn’t as appealing any more. ( what if i lost all my friends because of it? does this mean my love is like super? plus wtheck? it's only me)
7) You are in love if you get all excited when they are around just to see if it impresses them.
8) You are in love if members of the opposite sex do not mean anything to you and you don't notice them anymore.
9) You are in love when they look at you and your heart skips a beat.
10) You are in love when they mean the world to you, all you seem to think about is them, you start caring more about your own appearance.

How many does it hit to only know how in love you are?

Gotta stand up tall again

2011-09-08T02:07:00.002+08:00

Gotta be who I used to be. No matter how many times anybody try to break me I won't fall.
I will be strong. I learned my lesson well :)

Usually when its my last day I would be very happy and looking forward to the holidays because that's why I get to see you more often and spend more time with you. But this time it's different there's nothing to look forward to anymore. Usually on the last day I will be brought out or given a treat for stressing for so many days but now I can't see that anymore. I don't know if there will ever be another chance for that.

It's 43 days since you left. Its not the same anymore. Nothing is and you know that very well.
It's okay all those times I asked for you to come back will always just be me being silly. Seriously don't have to put it at heart. I know it's for the best that way. no matter what it's still your choice and I will never stop you from making your own decision. Though I might have many things to say about it but I will never stop you or make you do things against your will.

Though I miss you and was really looking forward to my holidays thinking you were still here to spend it with me. But no worries its time for some getting use to and time for me to grow :)

Just read it through. Don't keep it at heart for most of the things I said. Just a thought of mine.

Things you don't remember will always be the things I remember most

2011-09-04T00:40:00.002+08:00

What I've been feeling really, you'll never know and I'll never say.

Finally decided to do what's best.

This is my wake up call. I'm going to start afresh. I don't know how and what but after today, I realise what I'm suppose to do. Weird but true.

I just wish I can keep up with this. This is my last hope.

:)

you'll never know how much I have within,
I will not let you down,
I will not drag anybody down anymore,
It's the time.
Time for a new beginning. :)
I smurf you

2011-08-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

Christina Perri - Arms Lyrics

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I’m home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I’ve never opened up
I’ve never truly loved ‘Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home

You put your arms around me and I’m home

2011-08-29T23:52:00.000+08:00

The lonely

2am, where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

A really happy 17th indeed.

2011-08-25T00:34:00.002+08:00

Ever since you left tears was my best friend. He was there when I needed to express, He was there to listen to me and feel my pain. Crying almost every single week. I would not be surprise if one day I go blind just by crying.

You will never understand what I'm going through and nobody else would. You would just think your life is bloody miserable and nobody understand you instead. Thanks for giving me a wake up call on how harsh this life is.

Have any of you went through what i went through before? A person like me never had a proper friend. ALL my friend leave at the end of a certain period. Even the ones I once called my best friend. They left me when I needed them most. So well yea. They are all waiting for me to make the first move, for me to apologize but heck who makes a move for me?

Even to you I have to turn the table and blame it on myself then go all the way and apologize everytime we fight. And imagine is to have you stab me right at the heart. The person I trust most will eventually do shits to me. Am I really such an easy person that every single person would rather use me and climb up my head? I don't think i'm a very good and kind person but it seems every body takes advantage of me then just forget all about my existence after that.

What makes me human? what is the motivation that still keep me standing here and not drop dead? the only thing i know is my sane brain to not act stupid and commit suicide cause I would want to see what my future brings me. To see if anything changes. That would only be my motivation now.

You will never know the amount of tears shed. Cause all you can see is yourself and you. There was never US in this. It was always you. Although, I was the one who was always speaking out alot but no matter what happen, you come first. You will always be the first one. To get all the pity. Cause you're always the good guy. Who am I? What do I have besides giving the only thing I can give which is love? That's it. it'll never be anything, It never mean anything.

All I have always after everything will always be my fault, my fault and more my fault. Sick and tired of this. I think God has this thing against me. He hates giving me happiness but yet he works wonders.

Thanks, great way to spend the 17th. This is great. Thanks. I'll finally buzz off. I'm useless already.

look me in the eyes.

2011-08-15T17:25:00.002+08:00

对你们来说朋友是什么？ how do you make of it?
是不是说放手就放手？说不做就不做？有那么容易吗？
are you people really that heartless?
After everything I've done??
After everything you all have ever said?
全都是骗我的？全都是假的吗？
I'm surprise that you people can really turn this way. I don't know what else to say.
I was told to build back again. 不要因为小事就骂架但我能吗？是你放弃了我们的友情。 You told me what you've said. So why I am the one who is suppose to fix it? why am I always the one trying whereas the rest of the world just watch by and wait for me to come over? Don't tell you you've tried because nobody said a word to me. Which to me isn't trying. Is this how you people want to end this? I'm sure you read this. I'm very sure you do.
But my guess is you people couldn't care less even if I were to die at this point of time.
Why am I writing this again?
I am also asking myself why

tired of hoping

2011-08-06T23:27:00.002+08:00

So finals is coming and I'm freaking lazy to get my ass started. I want this semester to finish fast but yet at the same time I do not want finals to come. I just feel so stupid everytime I think of all the others who are able to move on to degree and yet i'm still here.

So afraid that I might repeat what I'm doing now again. But still I'm not doing anything. I just hate being stupid and lazy at the same time. How I wish I was a genius. bahhh.. life.

Almost time to bid goodbye

2011-07-18T01:59:00.003+08:00

Slowly everything is fading away,
Soon images will all turn blurry,
Soon nothing is left,
What's left will just be sand and dust.
---------
it was funny how things could be how it was. Impressed that everybody sat with one another.
No matter what its still up to one's decision to decide what's the right thing to do.
I gave up playing easy to get long time ago.
I gave up playing safe already.
Just did as told. Stop trying since effort was not wanted.
----------

Goodbye is just so near yet so far.
It'll be either temporary or forever.
Decisions and faith is to see what life has set for us.
---------
能做的也做了，能说得也曾经说过。还能做些什么？我都什么都没有了就让我生活继续平淡下去吧。Mind the bad structure and words used.

2011-07-09T01:43:00.002+08:00

能说得也说了, 能做得也做了. 为什么我的心还是那么痛, 那么的空虚?
为什么爱一个人那么的难, 真的不可以开开心心爱一个人吗?
我只需要拿一点点的support. 有真的那么难吗?
朋友, 我会慢慢的找新的, 会很用心的找一个用心来对我的人.

haha, what an accomplishment. writing in chinese. Probably its has alot of mistakes but its new?

Mean

2011-07-09T00:43:00.002+08:00

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You, have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man
Well you can take me down
With just one single blow

But you don’t know what you don’t know

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your walk by lies
And your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out
Cause I’ll never impress you
I just want to feel okay again
I’ll bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can’t lead me down that road
And you don’t know what you don’t know

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see it years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same loud opinion
But nobody’s listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and roaming all about how I can’t sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar
And pathetic
And alone in life
And mean (x5)

But someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean

Yeah

Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

2011-07-08T01:21:00.001+08:00

[CL]Jigeum naega haneun yaegi
Neol apeuge halji molla
Ama nal jukdorok miwohage doel kkeoya
[Minzy]Naega yejeon gatji antadeon ne mal
Modu teullin mareun aniya
Nado byeonhaebeorin naega nat seolgimanhae

[Dara]Neomu chakhan neonde neon geudaeroinde Oh
[CL]I don't know I don't know
Naega wae ireoneunji
[Dara]Geutorok saranghaenneunde neon yeogi inneunde Oh
[Minzy]I don't know
[Dara]Ije nal chatgo sipeo

[Bom]Baby I'm sorry neowa isseodo nan lonely
Saranghagin naega bujokhanga bwa
Ireon motnan nal yongseohae
[Minzy]I'm sorry ige neowa naui story
Sarangiran naegen gwabunhanga bwa
Ne gyeote isseodo
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/0-9/2ne1/lonely.html ]
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
[Bom]Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
[CL]Nega jalmotan ge anya
Naega isanghan geoya
Imi orae jeonbuteo nan junbi haenna bwa ibyeoreul
[Bom]Jeongmal jalhaejugo sipeonneunde
Hapil sarang apeseoneun wae
Ireoke haneobsi jagajigo oerounji

[Dara]Neomu chakhan neonde neon geudaeroinde Oh
[CL]I don't know I don't know
Naega wae ireoneunji
[Dara]Geutorok saranghaenneunde neon yeogi inneunde Oh
[Bom]I don't know
[Dara]Ije nal chatgo sipeo

[CL]Baby I'm sorry neowa isseodo nan lonely
Saranghagin naega bujokhanga bwa
Ireon motnan nal yongseohae
[Minzy]I'm sorry ige neowa naui story
Sarangiran naegen gwabunhanga bwa
Ne gyeote isseodo

Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
[CL]Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely

[Minzy]Cuz I'm just another girl
I bami werowo nan
[Bom]Deoneun gyeondil su eobseo good bye
[Dara]Cuz I'm just another girl
[CL]Neomuna werowo
[Bom]Jigeum ne gyeote isseodo baby I'm so lonely

[Minzy]Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
[CL]Baby I'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely

2011-07-08T00:47:00.002+08:00

Read this, Ng I-Fern has NO friend there for her when she's down or this close to going crazy. Everybody she loves decided to leave her. All gone. so it's time for Ng I-Fern to stop all ties with the Internet world and it'll be soon time she offed her phone. Why? because nobody will find her it's forever quiet. Ng I-Fern has became a bloody pathetic miserable bitch whose life has been totally ruined by her, herself. so GOODBYE!

Hold me tighter before it's too late

2011-07-06T19:55:00.002+08:00

Besides family, everybody has either a group of friends there for them or either a partner who is consistently there to support them. Some will have either one party while most have both. Then what do I have? I lost all my friends and soon i'll lose everything. I stop asking, stop wishing, stop begging to know or for somebody to stay. I stop trying to get anybody or stop trying to make new friends. nobody ever stays to begin with. so why should I waste my time trying. The path in search for happiness is long gone. Now what's left is to survive each day as each day passes. achieve what I should achieve. Finish what I've started. live as how life wants it to be.

Califonia King

2011-07-06T01:52:00.001+08:00

Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist
Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It feels like more than distance between us

[Chorus]
In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I bet california wishing on these stars of the heart for me
My california king

Eye to eye
Cheek to cheek
Side by side
You were sleeping next to me
Arm to arm
Dusk to dawn
With the curtains drawn
And a little last nite on these sheets
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It feels more than distance between us

[Chorus]
In this california king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I bet california wishing on these stars of the heart for me
My california king

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got better
So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I dont wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been california dreaming

[Chorus]
In this california king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I bet california wishing on these stars of the heart for me
My california king

In this california king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I bet california wishing on these stars of the heart for me
My california king

2011-07-05T23:17:00.002+08:00

I get weaker and weaker by the day. I just don't know how to stay strong anymore. I just want to breakdown and cry my heart out, scream at the top of my lungs and just forget everything. to not be reminded of anything. I just want to be happy again. I just want the old me back.

Who am I?

2011-07-04T01:34:00.003+08:00

I always wonder who am I to most of you.

Am I really that bad of a friend?

That terrible till none of you remember my existence?

High school friends all have their own life, their own college friends to be with.

Then college friends, after going our separate ways they don't even bother finding me. Find everybody else EXCEPT me. seriously did I do anything wrong to any of you before? Did I said something that hurt you? Did I directly hurt you before? I seriously don't know.

Tell me what do you think of me?

Is like I don't stand anywhere in anybody's life. Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother making friends. One after another will only turn their backs on me. They never stayed. NEVER. And finally all I have left is my sisters. For almost one year I've been alone with myself and no friends. How interesting my life can be. Suddenly I feel like I don't even meant to be here at this very moment. Nobody should even read this. Oh wait, nobody does. That is why I love my blog.

-------

and if there really are people reading this, If you don't like this then don't come back and read it ever again. Don't go round trying to be nice like you care if you don't.

Don't agree with me, come to my face and tell me.

If you don't plan to do any of that just walk away and never come here again.

I created this to express my own feelings, nobody but for myself to see.

You don't have my back. You lied.

2011-07-02T23:03:00.004+08:00

I used to be told " I have your back, I will always be there for you, This will never end after what we've been through, We can last forever, No matter what we're always one." All this has now became the past. A memory we once lived in. It doesn't matter if I cared or not because nobody else do. It doesn't matter if I tried fighting for it because nobody else bothered trying. NOBODY. History is like repeating itself. Nobody is understanding enough anymore. Its okay if I don't have anybody. I'm slowly getting use to this already. Attend classes, come back home then sleep then again the same routine everyday. No outings no nothing. Quite used to it already. Might be pathetic for some people but to me at least I'm not giving up in life and I still live with it every day.

-------
Soon it'll be goodbye. Will I be able to take it or not I really don't know.
But all I know is that the beepings will stop.
Everything will be in silence already.
It's okay. By then I WILL SURVIVE!

2011-06-26T23:55:00.002+08:00

My life is very pathetic. I have no friends to go out with, nobody that understand how I feel and nobody who would actually take at least some time to just be there for me. He has all his friends in the world that he will never understands, she has all her awesome friends who needs a loser like me? Don't come telling me things that is extremely impossible. Oh wait, who am I kidding who in the right mind would actually do that?

Sometimes I don't know why but I'm just so envious towards people's life. They have partners who doesn't need a reason to fly away. They have awesome good friends, they have an average good life,they have everything they can ever ask for. For I am just asking for that ONE person who can be there for me 24/7 like literally there that can be trusted and I know its impossible. Like finding a needle in a hay stack.

Why do I always come up with all this ? why do I always think so much? it's just saddening. I should just be happier and tomorrow is another day. Another day alone :)

you left and never even turned your back and just look
Now after everything and just because its near you're only remembering?

Father's Day

2011-06-20T00:57:00.002+08:00

The day started off very early in the morning. Went and ate breakfast then later the saloon. Followed my mom there to dye her hair and sambil I also do. So had quite a change. Don't know to be pleased or not. Just have to get used to it.

Dinner was okay i guess since everybody enjoyed it. So besides everything it's just like any other day and to all dads HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

-----------
as each days passes I feel more and more like a stranger,
I'm not worth anything anymore
I'm slowly becoming nothing
Words will just be words.
Appreciation is the last thing anybody will give.
That feeling is just now the same anymore,
Why you ask? because no one care.
I'm just another piece of puzzle that has to fill people life temporarily and when they find a perfect fit to it they'll take that piece and throw away.
You don't need me anymore, you have everyone else.
The day I started waiting for hopes was the day I stopped saying anything.

Last place

2011-06-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

That Should Be Me

Everybody's laughing in my mind
Rumors spreading about this other guy
Do you do what you did what you did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me?
Cause baby I didn't

That should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me
That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts
This is so wrong
I can't go on
'Till you believe
That that should be me
That should be me

You said you needed a little time from my mistakes
It's funny how you used that time to have me replaced
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies?
What you doin' to me
You're taking him where we used to go
Now if you're trying to break my heart
It's working cause you know

That that should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me
That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts
This is so wrong I can't go on
'Till you believe
That should be me

I need to know should I fight for love
Or disarm
It's getting harder to shield
This pain is my heart
Ooh Ooh

That should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me
That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts
This is so wrong
I can't go on
'Till you believe
That that should be me

Holding your hand
That should be me
The one making you laugh (oh baby oh)
That should be me
That should be me
Giving you flowers
That should be me
Talking for hours
That should be me (that should be me)
That should be me
That should be me
Never should've let you go
I never should've let you go
That should be me
I never should've let you go
That should be me

--------

1. F
2. F
3. S
4. M

fill in the blanks.
This is what I can see and will always see it this way.
Ain't gonna complain anymore.

my life is f'kin screwed up and you don't care:)

2011-06-17T20:16:00.002+08:00

today is just like any other day but at least it wasn't so pissing off since I didn't have to go search for a parking myself. As for my break I had 2 hours to rot and just do absolutely nothing at all. Talked about many things.

I realize what I tell and say about others is actually more towards pointing to myself and though I do realize, it doesn't mean anything. I just can't wait to finish all this now and start anew. Then I can be a very very new me and put a mask to those people who don't know me, then have a new life as a perfect stranger to them. The only thing I wished more than ever is to move further away from here as far as possible. But sadly, I can't really do that. oh heck, what the hell am I thinking?

My head just need to stop messing with me!

If I Die Young

2011-06-17T01:33:00.002+08:00

Today I've decided I'll stop hoping and expecting for more. I'll stop asking and seeking. I'll stop now before I sound desperate. I'll stop going around trying to gain what wasn't and isn't mine in the first place. I'll just sit back and watch things go as it is. I'll remind myself to do it.

Finally I'll stop pleading.

2011-06-16T01:02:00.003+08:00

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey)

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
— William Shakespeare

"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light."
— Helen Keller

"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
— Muhammad Ali

"Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find."
— William Shakespeare

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."
— Jon Katz

"Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies."
— Richelle Mead (Vampire Academy)

"This is how it works. I love the people in my life, and I do for my friends whatever they need me to do for them, again and again, as many times as is necessary. For example, in your case you always forgot who you are and how much you're loved. So what I do for you as your friend is remind you who you are and tell you how much I love you. And this isn't any kind of burden for me, because I love who you are very much. Every time I remind you, I get to remember with you, which is my pleasure."
— James Lecesne

and that is a friend that I will never have. You people just walked away one after another. After all the stories and all the pains we go through I still stand here alone. Thanks for the memories

Intensity In Ten Cities

2011-06-15T01:22:00.002+08:00

Today is another day. Again hoping for a miracle to happen. Everyday I'll be waiting for something to happen but I don't know what though yet I still chose to wait.

Went to watch Super 8 today. It was better than expected. I thought it'll be something like I am Number 4 but I was wrong. Walked awhile then came home.

My nights will ALWAYS be the same. Nothing unusual nothing special it'll still be as how it was but I guess staying at homes beats going to anywhere else right? no money need to be used, no people to face, nobody to judge you. It's a place where you can cry, eat, sleep, shit or do anything you like comfortably because its a place we call home :)

------
Humans will always be humans.
Things will always be things
Life will always be life.
And so the list goes on.

2011-06-14T01:07:00.003+08:00

There is so many expressing in this blog that I ignored the purpose of really writing my day to day routine.

So I hate mondays the most cause its the beginning of a new school week and its also the worst day of my whole week. Having to go through this every week would be hell but still I have to face it. Everything is not in my control. I can't change the timetable or maybe I might when I have the chance. I'll see how it goes.

Imagine having to say at a place so familiar to you yet is also the place where you feel so alienated. Place where you would do anything just not going back there but unfortunately that can't be done. Classes have been nothing but a bore. Due to my intelligence I have to repeat everything again. EVERYTHING that I have studied before. Life being there taught me a lot and soon it'll teach me more things.

2011-06-14T00:24:00.002+08:00

What Are Words

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then their done
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then their done
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

trying to stay strong

2011-06-11T00:12:00.002+08:00

hmm being alone and having NO friends to hang out with when I'm bored and just feel like just feel like hanging out makes me feel like... I don't know how to explain.
It makes me jealous looking at all the other people who have friends to go out and hang out with till late nights.

2011-06-08T00:34:00.001+08:00

Ng I-Fern why are you always complaining and whining how miserable your life is? you made this happen yourself. You didn't work hard in anything so why are you complaining? Just go on life as it is. Like I said you made this happen. Friendship is something you can never change already. Alone then alone la. Like as if you can die. You'll be better this way :) keep your chin up and face the world! You'll ALWAYS have yourself !!! You can do it!!!!

Your nightmare

2011-06-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

In life there are many kind of people. People from different countries, from different cultures and they all have different believes and in all those believes some people believe in the almighty God and some don't.

No offence to those who might be offended.
In life whenever you face a problem which is really HARD to solve,hard till it drives you to a dead end having to think God will be there to show you some light or something then its understandable. But to think that God will be there to solve EVERY single one of your problems? isn't that a little too errrr.......shallow? if yes then He would really be a very busy man. don't you think? I mean sometimes that life is yours. Isn't it like up to you to decide and to have the say? shouldn't you be like thinking on your own and think rationally instead of just thinking that owh yea He's there blabla bla. For a Taoist I seriously do not really believe in all this nonsense unless its under those circumstances that really needs His existence. if you get what I mean. Seriously people do you really think it will be that easy? ( this is just a little of what I think. Like I said don't get offended if there are actually people who actually reads this)

---------
So classes are going to start and sadly this time I won't have much friend. Oh wait, I really don't have any. most also I have one friend in uni left and all my friends are like GONE. I got to know what I have to know and got to know that's it. That's how its suppose to be. oh and btw if you read this your wish is gonna come true soon. So wait for it.

I'm sick and tired of all this shit. It means nothing to any of you its like a piece of junk. Everybody have all they need to have and then the unwanted just need to be thrown aside. That's how life if. Face the fact. I'm staying strong and still learning.

2011-05-29T04:03:00.003+08:00

In life there are expectations, and when you don't live up those expectations then this is where you stand.

People always judge and make their own assumptions and conclusions. If they can't accept you and everything about you, what else can a person do?
Everything happens based on judgement. That is how life is. With every little strength in myself I'm trying to stand strong but it just keeps pulling me down. One small fry can have the heart and courage of an elephant to stand up why not the big fry?
Its all within one's power. If this is the case then there will be no doubt that things will worsen and once it does then we all know how it'll turn out. Not gonna hope anymore cause hoping brings disappointment and I definitely don't want that anymore.

14th

2011-05-24T23:24:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I last wrote something like this.
Anyways as you can see we've really reach this far already.
After such a freaking rocky road.
How far more can we go I don't know since both of us know soon you're leaving.
Let's not avoid that matter and start learning to accept that fact. We have to face it soon so why not we face it now since we still have each other.
July or September, whatever it is since now we're here together we shall just face it together since we're in this together.

So right I've been thinking just now, I think I'm quite lucky to have chosen you though there are many disadvantages but yea. To have chosen a person like you its easy yet hard.
Lucky that you're stupid enough to always come back and always chose to stay though you like being a bitch at times.
Lucky that after everything at least you're just not heartless.
Lucky enough that you're nothing like the others I have ever like before.
But stupid enough to be spending all your money on me.
Can't think much of what is there but still you get what I mean.
Went through alot with you but most of all we get to be comfortable with each other would be a good thing ever since?
going crazy together and all. Ahh you know I love you can already.
HAPPY 14TH MONTH ANNIVERSARY :)

My Life

2011-05-21T18:50:00.004+08:00

I always want to have the life like others, carefree and also having everybody they need by their side. Yes though there will be some days they wish they were never born but still they have a life which I feel envious for.

My life was once a happy-go-lucky one. I had my girlfriends there for me supporting me throughout my ups and down moments, a boyfriend who was constantly there for me and also family who never fail to be by my side supporting me in whatever I did. Sadly, for me things never last long. It never did, no matter how many people come in my life they were sure to leave at one period of time. Everybody left and soon the only person who manage to stay in my life is also going to leave.

Let me explain a little bit more on it. Let's start with my history.

When I was in standard 1 when I first stepped into primary school I was like an angel, I had friends back then everyone of them were friends with me. I used to have a good friend too, but when standard 2 came that friend ditched me for a 'better' friend. So I had to strive on my own, then later I found my own group. Being in that group actually made me feel like I was not needed and all but still I stuck with them cause I had no other options at that time. Then when standard 3 came, I changed to another group of friends I don't really remember who it was but I had friends and manage to survive the year. Then standard 4 more or less with the same friend for a year? Then they left, because somehow they hated my guts as I was becoming more and more of a bitch. Then standard 5 came, everybody practically hates me and I hated them too but I still had a girlfriend who stuck around till I had no idea what happened, one day she decided to leave me without any reason. The only reason she gave to other people was saying I treated her like shit or some sort? I don't remember. So I started befriending the guys instead, because they were less whiney and they were more sporting than the girls. That's how I started turning myself and became more of a tomboy and more interested to be friends with boys than with girls. Then again I survived the year until standard 6. Standard 6 was the year I thought finally I settled down and found friends that were really and truly there, but happiness only lasted awhile when we had to go our separate ways.

Then in high school I had a new beginning, a new life where people don't really know me and I wasn't as bitchy as I was in primary so I started making friends and having new group of friends. I found a group too but still I manage to keep in touch with my girlfriend from primary. But somehow her circle of friends got larger and we were slowly drifting apart but still now and then we contacted one another but still in the end things faded and my existence to her became nothing anymore. Then back in high school, I joined the chinese group though I still had people who hated my guts in. That enemy goes way back to primary but I manage to survive the year.

Then slowly I had a bigger group of friends I Started mixing with the people who were a little more like me. People who spoke English and that somehow made me lose sight of my Chinese friends. But I still go to them and say hi to them once in a while. So that time I had 2 group of somehow quite permanent friends the English group which was around roughly maybe 5-7 of us? and also the Chinese group which was also roughly around 5-6 people. At times I went there at times I went here. I was also kinda like a 'dai ka jie' in the groups. It just comes naturally I don't know why then until it was lets say form 3? I slowly got separated with everyone and just stuck with one group which was the English group but only 4 of us were left.

Then slowly we drifted apart when form 4 came because of the different streams. I was back with a girlfriend of mine, a friendship that we manage to fix after a while of separation. we slowly became closer and closer but still I had my new group of friends and slowly I became friends with this 2 tomboys and they were really great friends. I was like super close with them that we did almost everything together. Sadly, one or 2 of us had to change that. When it was nearing half the year of form 5 we separated. I lost one of the few most important people in my life.

That was the turning point. My trust issues gotten deeper and deeper. It became harder and harder for me to believe anyone. Anywhere I went I chose to trust nobody but I was lucky enough to have that one girlfriend who stuck with me through it all and she managed to break that barrier and earned my trust. We vowed never to let anything come between us because it was hard for us to be able to get to where we were. So we stuck on till it was the last day of high school. Then there were 3 of us.

One of the people who took the time to break that wall but then college got to us. I was so busy back then, however, you were busier than I am that slowly you lost sight of me and the friendship and the promises and vows we made. I stayed on hoping one day you'll be able to see me again but sadly all I have was words telling me how I was wrong and how I misinterpreted you. You never really made the effort or maybe you did and I was not there to see it. So I gave up hope, I told myself best to let the best thing that ever happened to you go. Set that person free to let the person be free of sufferings and its better not to suffer with me. So I stepped aside and started to isolate myself from the world. Slowly everybody lose contact of me because I finally lost everyone.

It's terrible that life has to let us enjoy and gain happiness then take it all away again from you and enjoy while you suffer and drown yourself with sadness. This time the sadness, the hurt and pain was worst because after a life long road I found that one person then to have that person taken away from me.

Then there were college. College were also terrible because of my trust issues I trusted no one so I never really made an impression on anyone's life. I was just a come and go friend. Never really opened up to anyone until the end of the third sem I thought I was about to then again. I lost hope in trying. It was just too hard for me to take. So there was nothing much.Till the end of everything everybody will not be there.

See how everybody come and go from my life? how every friendship of mine have an expiry date? Even till the end nobody is here.

2011-05-20T02:28:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel people nowadays are damn bloody materialistic.
I freaking hate people who are like that. I don't care if you are my friend's father, relatives who ever. With or without connection I still hate people like that.
Money itself CAN'T freaking buy love,
Money itself CAN'T buy friendship,
Money itself CAN'T make a person love you more,
Money is definitely NOT everything.

Just because I'm poor, it does not give you the freaking right to discriminate me. You have no rights to look down upon me and you definitely do not earn my respect because of all that. Now you totally lose all my respect I ever have for you, you bloody son of a bitch. What a cheapskate. so you think to you, if you have loads of money means you're all that? Please look yourself in the mirror, you were once POOR yourself. You were not rich in just a day ya know? GOSH!! I can go all day just cursing all this freaking rich people. I SWEAR next time I will earn that much money just to prove to you I HAVE what it takes to be a considerate person even when I'm rich.

I HATE STUPID BLOODY FREAKING RICH PEOPLE!!!
I hope all of you suddenly face bankruptcy just to get a taste of your own medicine :D

As usual, what goes around comes around :)

2011-05-18T02:05:00.003+08:00

it's all about the money, when was it never about the money?
Whatever I do related to money, relationship, studies, friendship, family, practically EVERYTHING! ARGHHHHHHHHHH I HATE LIFE!

wondering

2011-05-18T00:48:00.003+08:00

So many things that makes me think.
As always what if's are always there.
Questions always left unanswered.

--------
Those old times when I still have my friends it was those time when I was at least appreciating life as it is. But this time I have nobody, they walked out of my life when I needed them most. The only one that's left is practically useless. I have no life, really no life. What's there but its like not there.
Never will have anybody who actually understands. That's my life.

Biggest fear is that I might fall into depression

failure

2011-05-16T01:36:00.003+08:00

I feel like a huge failure.
Everybody leaves at the end of the day.
nobody stays.
I'm already such a failure in life and now seeing each day passes by with me just this one person and there's no one for me to call to hang out or whatsoever aches.
People has and expiry date to my life. LIKE REALLY
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

2011-05-14T02:42:00.001+08:00

Ng I-Fern you know what?
I sayang you to the MAX ! :D :D :D

from the big boy dumb dumb :) with love <3

2011-05-12T01:58:00.002+08:00

Slowly every one is walking out of my life.
Just because of one miserable trip it separates us all.
I've already lost almost all my friend what more this right?
Since everybody prefers to leave one by one I can't do anything,
I shall just sit and watch them leave.
Nothing I can do.
Nobody wish to have me in their life.
:)

Like always being the black sheep in the family, in life i'm the black sheep too.
Facing it like I always do.
Gonna try to be strong.

2011-05-09T01:10:00.002+08:00

Everywhere I go I feel my existence was never once noticed.
There I just hope that after so long of caring, i thought maybe you all now in return in my darkest moment bring me up again. boy was I very wrong.
Then another there. My existence is like totally invisible. What I say was never taken in for consideration even when the last minute is always not what you want to hear. We suffered enough but none of you can see it. Just to give you all face only we decided fine we will go just to please you.
But then at the end still my existence not important. sad.

My life will always be this awesome.

Regret

2011-05-07T11:13:00.001+08:00

What a morning, i've never really felt like this before. funny you may say but really I can't describe.
Made a decision that cost me alot of shits. The ending, this is what I get. From the beginning, nothing went according to plan. Regretted ever since. Nothing will ever make things right.
Life just love screwing me.
Well, thank you.

什么都不是

2011-05-06T23:47:00.004+08:00

This time I was taught a lesson. A lesson that I should myself this low and everybody else this high.
I was also taught to NEVER NEVER express myself to anybody or anywhere about my sadness or feelings to avoid those unwanted misunderstandings. I should just keep it all to myself.
I was also taught to just be happy all the time to everybody around me and pretend that nothing is wrong eventhough you feel like dying inside.
I also learned that even when it is hard to show that you can't be happy all the time then just shut up and not say anything but just smile all the way.
---------

No matter how much I'm dying inside I just can't say anything.
Its not worth saying.
No matter how much pain you feel the only thing you should do is just stand up, and continue feeling the pain till it is time for it to go away.
No matter how much tears, nobody will wipe it away because no one knows :)

the first time was really a fairytale

2011-05-05T22:19:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder what happened to us?
Why are we so different? what happen to us?
If you're envious towards people trust me I would die to have something like them.
All I ever wanted was to have somebody to show me the light when all I see was darkness.
To pick me up again when I fall.
To surprise me or to pamper me whenever possible.
But what I got was when I'm in the dark you would too sitting at the dark side.
When I fall you would just fall along. Not to help pick me up but to pull me lower.
You stop pampering or whatsoever ever since N years.
Its not that I like to always hate you or I find you annoying or whatever, sadly is because I love you too much just for me to ask a little more from you.
All I ever really wanted was just that little more.
To really really care, to really have me in your eyes.
Not the way you look at me now like as though its a responsibility to just keep me happy,
or to make sure that you've done your part.
I forget how it is like to feel like there is somebody out there loving you.
You used to gave me that. I'm still hoping and wishing for that but I know it will never come true. and also because, to you, I'm playing my part worst.

Most of all I always wonder what happen to this and the promises made?

Swindlers

2011-05-01T02:14:00.003+08:00

It's so pissing of to know that some people can be so ignorant of what actually they're going through. How they manage to live such a wealthy land awesome life while the rest suffer from them being so oblivious of things.

Tell me honestly, what do you know about how all the money existed in your life? How you manage to stand from down there to up there. Get your story straight before insulting someone. Have you ever thought about it? Yes at times there will be somebody saying this and that but do remember, when you yourself say something about, people be prepared to receive the same outcome.

Know where you stand. If not because of all those you won't be standing so high there. You're still as naive as ever. I bet you've been brain washed, not told the true story or maybe yet being told a wrong story. Tsk tsk tsk... No worries we ain't interrupting you're wonderful life. We're as close as being gone. All the best in life. Since you're already doing very good with it.

-------------
on a brighter note, its the holidays! time to enjoy :) Yap Chee Yuan to me holiday is good :)

If we ever meet again

2011-04-23T03:37:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what's really real.
At times I might ask myself what IF,
What if that day I actually agreed with what you've said where will we be now?
What if I wasn't so observant how will I be?
What if I was just like the others will I face lesser problems?
What if I wasn't so vulnerable will I get hurt so many times?
What if fairy tale do exist where will I be now?
What if I was more hardworking ?
What if I was smarter?
What if I wasn't this fat and better looking where will I now?
What if it wasn't for them will I be able to meet the friends I have now?

So many what ifs left unanswered and there are actually more than this. This is just part of the what ifs that is circulating through me.

-------
Sometimes you never really showed me how much I meant to you
Sometimes I feel like I will only be use when I'm needed.
Sometimes I feel I'm not brave enough to give in to my heart.
I don't follow my heart, I go against it.
I don't tell how I feel, I keep it.
I like to keep things in me. I hate solving things out because its almost impossible to see eye to eye.
Honeymoon period has passed
--------

Uni this few days has been good. I have no idea why though it's stressful to know that we have to study for finals but somehow hanging out with them makes me feel like I'm actually a friend to someone. They make me feel like their life is actually quite similar to mine. It then totally hit me real hard that this would actually be the last of them. I might not see them again. There's of course a tad bit of sadness knowing that this is goodbye. But still its a start of something new for all of us. To teach us, even though this is goodbye but because of what we've been through together we might just appreciate one another better. so many things left unspoken. Things to tell them how much they've taught me over the year and how much I've learn just from being with them. At the end of everything I can just say thank you for coming into my life, being my friends, though none of you might ever know what I'm going through but still going through life laughing and fooling around with all you people is something I'll never never forget. Is definitely an experience to remember. :) Thank You TY14 for letting me know such awesome people and thank you all for everything again :D

2011-04-18T02:31:00.001+08:00

at times some individuals can be very alike but sadly they don't realise it.

2011-04-16T00:52:00.002+08:00

How much do any of you care?
Where do I even stand?
If you care you wouldn't have said things.
I'm wrong, I'm to blame. I'll learn how to keep it low.
I will let you say first before I say anything.
Starting from today.

sorry.

2011-04-15T00:13:00.004+08:00

it's becoming more and more of an obligation.
Obligated to just be responsible in your own role.
I don't see the love like how I use to see anymore. (I was hoping for more of that actually. Nothing more)
Thanks for finally saying it.
I always wondered how I will react after knowing it came out from you and now I know.
Starting from today I'll not say anything.
I'm sorry to blame you.
Sorry that I did what I did. I'll respect your decision in the end.(if you decided any)
I too don't want to see you suffer neither would I want to worsen things.

Le sigh

2011-04-13T23:02:00.001+08:00

To find a person that understands you and that is able to read you like a book is like finding a needle in a hay stack.
Found that person then be sure to keep him/her.
Good luck in that search, cause I know I'll take a lifetime.

2011-04-12T21:38:00.001+08:00

When there's hope, there's disappointment.
So goes the saying.
That is why I hate giving myself hope.
That is why I don't go to people so that I won't be disappointed later.
Things hasn't been going well, only for me. My emotion has been a little up and down.
But at the end of the day I'll still plaster a smile.

2011-04-11T01:16:00.005+08:00

I realise the only difference about me and the old me is just you.
Besides that, I'm back to my old self the old emofied one.
Like I use to tell people outside, once an emo kid always will be one. No matter how much you try when things strike you'll just go back to square one.

If it was me the more optimistic and confident whom I once used to be I would really believe that all my friends will be by my side supporting even though we haven't contacted one another in ages but sadly now being the old me I don't believe in fairy tales. Those to me are nothing but just words. Words said by human because I've lost trust. The word T-R-U-S-T is out of my dictionary AGAIN. The trust that took me years to gain it back after all the pain I was put through over the years. The people who walked in and out of my life just as they want. I hate those feelings.

The feeling of not being able to trust anybody is back, I hate how people promise you something but never keep to it. Those promises to stand by me and not to hurt me whatsoever are all LIES for me. This is just something I found while looking through the old posts and also this. Something that everyone forgets.

What more after a period of time, I stop going to people. I've learned my lesson from all the previous friendships that I'm so lazy to go back and be the first to take the first step. Now I would just stand aside and look, look at how happy everybody is with their life and their friends. Just being a bystander would probably be the best thing to all. Since I hate to see people getting hurt, so I would watch myself getting hurt instead. Honestly, its really not that bad once you get use to it. Seeing all the people around you happy is something everybody wish for and for me being able to see that is a great achievement. Though I'm not the one making them happy but is good enough. It tells me that my job as their friend is done:) at least I did my part in building them up :)

Glad that's over it and now its time for me to focus since finals is just around the corner I have to start studying. Start catching up with what I've missed out. Wish me luck. Though it doesn't make an effect but still yea :D

tired

2011-04-02T00:51:00.002+08:00

sick and tired of going through this again and again.
Life has never been better.
Things will be good for one or two weeks then boom again another one.
Seriously I'm tired of it already.
Please give me a break.
Do something about it.
STOP it. Stop making me do things that I don't wish to.
STOP starting things that are not relevant.
Everytime I hear the same thing over and over again but it always ends the same.
----------------------
Friends might not always be there for me, it's okay cause I know I still have myself :)
And when I say friends I mean my real friends not just some other dumb nut on the street.
You may all go and have all the fun you want. I won't be disturbing any of you anymore.
You should know me by now then I'm not the person to go asking anymore.
I'm starting to be independent. Cause I know there's nobody I can rely to anymore.

sick and tired of 'sorry' already

2011-03-31T23:47:00.003+08:00

Was once promised happiness, but look at what I've gotten into
Was once looking forward towards things, but now dreading it
Was once happy as can be, but now back to my old me
Was once letting go and gaining confidence again, but now doubting everything
Was once so strong with my own principles, but now regret whatever i've done.

Starting from today I'll just go with the flow because no matter how things work out at the end after a few days it'll come back to square one. Soon I'll either reach my limit or I'll just tend to get numb over things.

2011-03-30T23:33:00.003+08:00

All I ever needed was that one person who never judge me
who is ever willing to listen to me out everytime I need somebody to listen to me.
Somebody whom I trust, somebody who has my back
Somebody who never forgets my existence even when many people is circling around that one person.
Somebody who finds me almost everyday
Somebody who I can talk to almost everything in life
Somebody who will never tell my secrets out
Most of all somebody who I can call my BEST FRIEND who is ever willing to being just my closest true friend

Some random point of view

2011-03-30T01:05:00.002+08:00

'despise people who thinks they know everything but actually know nuts and also those who thinks their "all that" just by spreading shits about some other people when their just the same. Please do not judge a person just by looking, YOU are not that good yourself too. What goes around comes around. shakes headtsk tsk tsk you bunch of naive kids' - these are the exact words I wrote in my facebook and it's like almost everything I feel like saying.

Just going around observing people from different city I realise the huge different among all. Some of them can be a real pain even when I don't know them personally but just by looking at them and the way they present themselves just seriously shows it all. Yes I said do not judge, but heck, one you step on my tail or said something that is connected to me or the people around me, I don't give a damn anymore even if your mother or father has the Datuk title. Seriously, is it because most of you are not 'exposed' to the REAL world only you people act this way? I assume yes, because not only one or two of you are like so. Basically almost most of you are like that. Hello people GROW UP, you're not three years old anymore. I don't see a reason why you people can't just mind your own business. It's that nice just to poke your nose into other people's business eyh? Say you know that person personally or really know how that person is only la you go and talk whatever you want. Now you know SHIT about that one person, you act like you know it all. how terrible can you be?

The title says it all. So don't come here and give me two shits on what you have on mind.

2011-03-27T01:38:00.001+08:00

Love, just suddenly feel like posting this pic cause i like this alot :)

2011-03-27T01:17:00.002+08:00

So today is just like a normal day but a little bit different. The difference isn't much as we don't really meet each other during Saturday that much but I feel like you're very far away like that since you went back to your home town. Anyways everything was fine and i today actually peep at those pictures numerous of time XD
I really miss you now syg :)

Dumb Dumb-

2011-03-25T00:10:00.001+08:00

1YEAR ALREADY SAYANG!! SEE WE ACTUALLY MADE IT THIS FAR! One year ago both of us was like totally different human and totally different from now. It was such a miracle to get to see us still holding up to now. It isnt very long like 2-3years but this is like so far the best and most long relationship I ever have. To give my heart to someone this long and learn from all the mistakes that i have made throughout this time. At times, i might be a wood and don't know how to express myself in a proper way but just so you must know that you actually mean such alot to me. Just you that is enough. I don't mind spending the whole day with you if I have the chance to. I do realize I won't get bored just to look at your face. It always attracts me I don't know why but i just got so addicted to see you every single day.

No one would have ever thought that we will go this far. To be honest at first I thought we will just last for few months but as time passes by, everything tells me that that is not it. There are more than that. Willing to do anything or to accept one is hard. Nothing can change that fact. Even now we are still like learning that stage how to accept and let things go. We can see how much we have give in us and never once said wanting to let things break. I myself was amazed too.

I actually liked seeing you laugh just because of me :) it was a blessing in disguise to have you around with our laughter. I just dont mind doing shameful stuff to you cause that is what i always wish for to have someone there to fool around with me to do almost everything with me and most of the time you were there and you were always the person to bring me explore alot. Without you , I would not have this much of knowledge toward everything. Thanks BABE!! :D

Last but not least! Happy ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

I LOVE YOU! I REALLY LOVE YOU! I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!!

and when I am typing this, your image appear alot of times in my brain, Miss ya lots!

Dumb Dumb

Replaced

2011-03-23T01:42:00.003+08:00

Feels like everywhere I go I'm being replaced.
Nobody needs me anymore.
I'm of no use.
I shall always just sit aside and pass time.
Not too bad being alone I guess.

Starting from today I shall just accept thing that has been said to my face.
Stop doing things that don't feel right.
Stop hurting people's feeling.

I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!

2011-03-22T23:29:00.001+08:00

I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!
I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!

2011-03-21T13:18:00.002+08:00

yet another monday! where school holiday has ended. for those people outside fyi i have no school today! but i still have to come to uni just because just for the assignment discussion. i am now in my uni doing my slides background and hiting the dumb's hair. i actually can sleep longer but no choice to come over here. i wore shorts! amazed ryte. what a terrible human.. the retard come over early in the morning just to shock me up and let him in. what to do i have to adopt him and let him sleep over awhile before going out. makan dim sum today and it was suck enough. however im still full i guess i can skip my lunch already. singing off for now.

Life

2011-03-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I said something.

Honestly if you ask me, as day passes I just feel like isolating myself. I just want to sit at home every single day and not face anybody. To not step out to the world and put on a mask for everyone to see. Sitting at home gives me comfort. Gives me that one feeling I can never feel at any place in the world. Which is comfort. I am me when I'm at home, I'm very comfortable being just at home. Yes, at times it may be boring but still, its the only place where i'm real. The only place where I know when I see myself, I can say to myself that's me! That's me! I want to cry as I wish, scold as I wish, shout as I wish, laugh as I wish. Anything I want and not feel bad for anything. Don't have to feel bad for hurting anybody's feeling. Don't have to think of the what ifs..

People always misunderstand as my life being all that. Like as if I'm always that happy but honestly, any of you know what actually I'm going through? I don't like going to anybody and talk about it. I hate talking out stuff, I hate telling out my feelings, I hate all of that stuff. I rather keep it within me and just face it as life goes on. I'm slowly shutting myself out. Yes, if any of you read this don't even bother telling me I have you, I can go to you if I need someone to go to. I'm sick of those already really sick of those. Its something that I don't need in my life. If I need a shoulder I will go find it myself, If I need an ear I will too go look for it . I'm big enough to know the right from wrongs and the bad from good. If whatever you have in mind is better then what I ever think then maybe just maybe you may have your say otherwise just buzz off.

Its been a while since I had real friends really really long since I actually had anybody real to talk to. A long time since I talked to old friends, centuries ago since any of them said they remember me. So quit whining when you have your own bunch of friends who actually remembers you. I'm losing all my friends as days passes. Everyone has their own group of friends. BETTER friends to be exact. Their own KIND. People whom they feel happier with. I'm happy as long as they are happy. I don't mind having just me, myself and I. Its not bad once you get used to it. Its sometimes very relaxing. Having just yourself. Don't have to rely on anybody. Don't have to put hope on that one particular person. Because when there is hope there is disappointment. So when I'm in a situation where I have nobody but myself then I wouldn't feel disappointed because its only me :D That's pretty much sums up everything. Minus the study part and all which I think I should leave it for the next time I come in.

This lyrics totally express what I'm feeling

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I've got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid [repeat x5]

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

Love,

2011-03-06T23:22:00.002+08:00

HII syg!! yes is me again posting here. Have been quite awhile ever since the last time i wrote something here. I know I am suppose to study now. But my head really aching and is killing me. :( i don't like it. So I decided to come here and relax a lil bit. Maybe it will makes me feel better le who knows ryte.
Dumb Dumb ! thanks for being so supportive to me everytime i need you. You were there whenever I need you. Though everytime you said you don't care and don't syg me but as i always say you did. Really you did. Just that in your own unique way of doing things. Seeing you happy and smile was the best thing ever I could ever wish for. What more being together with you and seeing your message every morning when i wake up. It is a bless and blissful to share every moment with you. Just you, Ng I-Fern is more than what I ask for. I might not be a very sweet boyfriend of yours, but words and things that i have said to you from last time until now, it is still there every time. Love, believe in us :) we will again go through every moment together. Bringing laughter out everyday and I will hold your hand every moment of it.
When you need me, i will be there.
When you need my shoulder i will certainly give it to you.
even if you don't ask for this but I will give you all my love and a little bit more :)
By time you read this I might be sleeping d if you online late.
Don't be sorry kay dumb dumb, cause is my will to make u fall asleep if you need it .
<3

-Dumb Dumb-

Normal

2011-02-28T20:07:00.002+08:00

I want normal. Like all the others.
Nothing stupid, nothing out of the ordinary,nothing but normal.

at times that's not just it but its all a person can think off at that moment.

Life

2011-02-27T04:11:00.003+08:00

Shit happens and there's not shit hole for me to go to.

Sucks to be me.

THanks life.

2011-02-21T23:19:00.003+08:00

Meanwhile you are writing your essay, I also come here and post anything random la. Seeing you having hard time with your work and I couldnt do anything so I have decided just to stay here only. Until you need some body and I will be the first ever to reply you. Don't know why today i feel there is something wrong with you but I just couldn't tell what is that. Maybe I am thinking too much I guess. You must be fine kay my dear. Tomorrow the routine will continue and it will always be :)
You actually don't have to pay for the fare, I am so ever willing to do what I am doing everyday now. If that will makes you feel not to owe me too much and not to feel bad, then I will take it :)
Anyways, it is nice to sleep back on your lap. Had been a long time ever since the last time.
Syg, you can do it one with your work! ;)

At times, it is not that I don't want to climb the hill. Is that I don't have the energy to climb and whenever I have climb half way I will fall back. I am afraid already. So I chose to stand at where I am now. So call the safety zone. Look at me as a coward, but I am now really afraid to face anyone of them. To stand in the crowd makes me lost. So I prefer to go alone solo or with one or two compared with a whole bunch. Well there are not much chance for me to have that time already also. I will try to find my time and opportunity to climb that hill again, hopefully by that time you will still by my side climbing with me and I am sure you will ryte?

something

2011-02-21T01:43:00.002+08:00

Just so you know, not everything in life is beautiful but its how you beautify it. Even the ugliest being or ugliest thing can be beautiful after touching up. This tells you nothing is perfect and I mean NOTHING and NOBODY. Everyone definitely has their flaws.

There's no point in taking the best and compare with the person who has way lower standard than that person because you'll only see failure in that person. It isn't too bad if you take somebody just a little higher standard than that person to make the comparison, then only that one person will try his/her very best to stand at that place. Then after only give his/her best just to stand at the peak of the mountain to please you. By giving all this expectations is like you're trying to build Rome in a day. Which is like near to impossible. So be lenient, give and take. Respect us and treat us more like human. Don't be a bitch.

I GOT A NEW SPEAKER AND BA KUA!!

2011-02-20T21:44:00.003+08:00

It is quite early for me to type here ryte I know.
Today I still get to see my baby. Even though is not just both of us but it still worth it all. Had dinner with your family and open up my appetite :) Thanks to you all. And owh of course the Speaker set Thanks alot. Really appreciate it. Now I can BASS the whole upstairs d!!
Didn't really talk much with my syg today but nevermind she sits beside me can already. :P
OH NOOO! now sori sori song! WOOT !!

Hope that can see my syg again tml :) really miss her now...

-Cy-

2011-02-20T02:29:00.002+08:00

NG I-FERN! Since you so enjoying watching those videos, so I find the Ng I-Fern here ni la. Well, actually also got nothing one la. Just that I am bored ni so come here and disturb your blog as usual. Well is not as usual la which already for few days ni. I know you are worrying about me so I finish here then I will go sleep d one. Looking at you such interested in those toys makes me wanna get all for you and just to see you smile when playing those. It really gives me a huge huge desire to pamper you my baby all this time. You are very kind to edit and help out friends as I know even if u say you don't have a choice. You are just being helpful and try to help as much as possible.
Not that I don't sek myself, just that I put you at my top priority ni. :)
You know, even if you say you want me to talk to you everytime if you couldnt sleep i wouldn't mind too.

Adios , nights -cy-

2011-02-19T23:40:00.001+08:00

Since I got nothing to do now, and COINCIDENTALLY pass by here XD
I shall just drop by and say HI SYG!! <3

-Cy-

Old times

2011-02-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

Remember how when you were young your parents, kindy teacher, elder brother or sister once in a while will tell you a bedtime story like Jack in The Beanstalk, The Ugly Ducking and etc and also nursery rhymes like baa baa black sheep?

Now come to think of it every one of it teaches you a lesson. Lesson for you to use it in life. Sadly, no matter how many times one listen when they were young nothing is ever remembered because human beings tend to forget the good and remember the bad. Human only repeats history. Things that shouldn't be followed they tend to copy it like it never happened before. Then when there's a better road they just totally ignore it.

I'm just so so sick of all this inconsiderate and terrible people. Heard of The boy who cried wolf? Moral of the story is that every shouldn't tell lie one too many times otherwise, nobody will ever believe you again. Next, Ugly Duckling. It tells us no matter how different your are from the others you're still beautiful the way you are and one day you'll definitely find your own kind. You get my point right? So why again and again humans never change? Never learn. No doubt I'm one of them. But once in a while I'll learn from it. I try not to repeat it myself. What about you people?

I just wish humans would just learn.

IMY

2011-02-18T01:12:00.001+08:00

黄爱芬,我叶志渊好想你！！你看见吗...

2011-02-18T00:14:00.001+08:00

Hi! I am here again!
AhhhH!! i have been researching and researching but it seems like nothing much come out. I don't know how am i going to do tomorrow. But not that bad at all, i still get to find at least something. NG I-FERN !! Now i am posting on your blog instead of my blog. How weird can that be ryte.
It is good too to live up your blog. If not it will be dull .. And your new background is wayy wayy more better than the previous one. So you also have to be like the Background to be cheerblue all the time ya.

AHHHH!!

Random

2011-02-17T00:58:00.002+08:00

Well I am here to post again, don't know who am I ryte. Mr.Y here :)
Today is a day where our daily routine repeats. Just that a little bit of changes here and there only which is I didnt pick you back from your college. It feels weird but anyhow I still go back around that time if i were to pick you up. It really feels something wrong to finish class already and have no direction to go. Anyways, glad that you reach house safely and at least u get some nap just now.
Just to tell you that I miss you dearly :)
So i decided to come here and post.

-Cy-

All Well Ends Well

2011-02-15T21:14:00.003+08:00

Like the title said that's how I felt yesterday. I feel things was perfect as it is. Simple yet nice.
Don't know how it really should be but just like yesterday was good enough :) Didn't know spending time like that also can be fun.

Thanks syg, for everything. More than I could ask for <3 :)

Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T01:44:00.006+08:00

14/2/2011 - Valentine's Day
I shall start off this post with 14/2/2011. For the past 17years, this date doesn't mean anything much special for me. Until I met this awesome girl and she gave me that lots of love that is enough to cover my day off, this day is a day where miracle happens.
Everyone that in a relationship will be expecting something very fancy and special for their valentine's gift. But for me, I made it the other way round. I make it simple and nice yet special. Things that comes from my heart and sincerely just for her Ng I-Fern. I made her a handmade card by me. Sorry that I lied to you I've fall asleep yesterday just to take the time to finish up this card.

Okay so today it started off we took off late, overslept somehow and laziness pulls us back. Nonetheless, it was never too late for everything. We went to The Curve and watched All Well's All End. Bought a couple seat for both of us. Had been a long time ever since we have our own time. Just Us. Two of us at places that are a bit far away from where we always hang out.
Meanwhile waiting for the Garden's reception to call us, we walked around and came out with an idea that is to buy a sand art and colour it. We actually did it quite nicely.This is what comes out! Isn't it colourful and nicely done >At Garden.. Baby with her Cabonara Spaghetti.
Me and my retard face :P
There will always thing little thing that always tied us together . <3 Pic Of the day ...
Today is like another day for those couple but it is not for us. It really mean the other way round. The day where we sacrificed how much for each other and giving in up to today. So, I really Love YOU NG I-FERN! IF YOU EVER GET TO READ THIS REMEMBER! CY WAS HERE TO TELL YOU THAT HE MISS YOU!

-Cy-

Fern

Just a little of everything

the day wouldn't get any better.

Just a piece of my thought

all of it is just pure bullshit

Dream

darkness

I'm not me anymore.

worthless

It will never be the same

thank you

Reality check

So what if I wish you were here?

Always will be the same

You gave me hope, then tear it down again.

Wish you were here

How far will you go?

op 10 Signs that It is Love

Gotta stand up tall again

Things you don't remember will always be the things I remember most

Christina Perri - Arms Lyrics

A really happy 17th indeed.

look me in the eyes.

tired of hoping

Almost time to bid goodbye

Mean

Hold me tighter before it's too late

Califonia King

Who am I?

You don't have my back. You lied.

Father's Day

Last place

my life is f'kin screwed up and you don't care:)

If I Die Young

Intensity In Ten Cities

trying to stay strong

Your nightmare

14th

My Life

wondering

failure

Regret

什么都不是

the first time was really a fairytale

Swindlers

If we ever meet again

sorry.

Le sigh

tired

sick and tired of 'sorry' already

Some random point of view

Replaced

I YAP CHEE YUAN DON'T DARE TO DRINK YOUR YAKULT ALREADY! SORRY!

Life

Love,

Normal

Life

something

I GOT A NEW SPEAKER AND BA KUA!!

Old times

IMY

Random

All Well Ends Well

Valentine's Day